Just to let you guys know, our main journal over at wingedwolf_2004 is now acting as our system journal also. Haydens going to keep his journal for the time being, even if he don't post in it. Just expect our main journal to be completly random from now on *snorts* But yeah, we're also landed with a ton of soulbonds, but its all good.
I find it so hard to sleep at night, I think I may be nocturnal. Night is such a wonderful time, as I can feel more energies, and more clearly, than in the day. Being a psyvamp, this is useful to me. Strong sunlight disagrees with my stomach, and makes me feel ill, while with the Wolf, it makes him feel 'alive'.
Perhaps the real solution is to stop fronting at night. I would love to just go for a walk in the dark, and absorb the quietness, serenity and coldness of the night here.
I cannot wait until Winter. Its so warm and spiritual to me.
Had a flood of memories come today when I was fronting. Some pretty disturbing, the most of which I'd rather not mention on the internet.
I remember that in the city where I was born, having a birth mark was the equivalent of having the devils mark. Children with birthmarks would be abandoned by their own mothers, and made to fend for themselves. I have a birthmark wrapped around my left ankle.
I was eventually caught at the age of 8, and after the guards had used me for their own pleasure, held in a prison. In this 'prison', torturous things where done to the victims, as a trail. If you died from the torture, you were a human. If not, and you survived, or even enjoyed the pain (I am a masochist, so a lot of it was welcome after the point my entire soul had been penetrated with hate) it meant you were a demon.
The tortures I endured (and have remembered so far) were hot iron (inside you, across your legs and body, and hot iron cuffs that would burn the very skin from your wrists), whipping, cutting, rape and abuse, being strung up by the arms and nails through the arms, wrists and feet.
There was no execution, only continous torture to 'bring out' the 'evil' soul. I was there from 8 to 19 years old. I had lost my sanity and my will to live. One amazing night I was tortured with a whip, until it cut open my throat. I bled to death, however that was the most brillient of the pain I endured.
Listening to some Disturbed songs I downloaded and the lyrics to 'the Meaning of Life' stood out. everyones gotta get a little psycho every now and then >:D I've been having a lot of vampire urges recently, and this song seems to scream out from my insides.
I was working in Homebase (or a similar big DIY store) and through an incident my manager found out about Toby, and decided to annouce to all my co-workers that I had 'multiple personality disorder' and it was a huge, big massive scary thing.
At one point I was Toby, but only a little boy, like 6 and some workers found me in the warehouse, hiding from the commotion (some sort of search had begun) and taunted me. They tied Toby up, and stuck stuff in his mouth (some weird sexual fetish I guess), but Toby eventually escaped back into the Store. Somewhere in the store, Alex had appeared and caused a much bigger commotion, as he could fly and decided to attack random people by pulling heavy things of shelves to stop them. He was quite cool, he was older and wore a big horse skull over his head, big, giant wings and the ability to control/produce fire.
The workers were now chasing both Alex, and Toby and calling me a freak etc At some point we got outside and Alex hoisted Toby, Hayden, myself and some other random people (yeh, backrunners I guess) up by flying to a high place.
Most of the dream is now in fragments, but more attacks on the pursuing crowds happened. Alex attracted too much attention, so kept relocating us. Toby was still a child, as was Hayden, and Edward was now there. I liked the fact that in this dream we were all 'seperate' and communicating with each other. Alex's job was most definatly protector in this dream.
Later on there was a monster, which we all fought RPG style XD And then Hayden threw a pokeball and caught it, which was given to Ash, who just appeared XD
Also, which interested me was at some point (i'm not sure if this was in the dream, or in actual rl) but Toby woke up, and it was seen as a black and white image/film, silent, of Toby waking up, before resuming to my regular dream. Tobys cute n.n
Last night, I had quite a few 'outbursts' of memories from my life. I am still the same person as I was in that life now. I remembered the face of my father, of the girl I raped. It makes it so much more real.
They have gotta still be out there somewhere. It scares me.
1) How old was the body when you found out about each other?
I think that myself and Sam have been there always, although Sam didn't 'notice' until he was about 17, which is, interestingly, the age I which I died. Alex, Hayden, Victor and Edward appeared later (in the last few years or so).
2) How are decisions made in the front (consensus/majority rules/one person makes them/other)?
Sam is usually the one to make desicions, but if its something minor, we have the freelance to make our own. Obviously, major decisions are left the Sam. Stuff like, eating preferences is left to us. I am vegetarian, Hayden loves fish, Sam hates fish and loves meat etc
3) Do different front runners have distinct habits?
Yes, our partner has told us that each of us has very different habits. Alex has a lazier hold on our body, I am more protective of my body, Edward is much more masculine than the rest of us. Hayden always has a phantom tail when he fronts.
4) Do you have a host/main person/body owner?
5) Are you aware of what happens in the front when you're not there?
Usually, unless we are too 'far back'. But most memories seem to be held in a public library sort of thing, so each of us can access the memory, although it was not us fronting at that time. Its rather compex, and we don't really understand it.
A few, if not all of our System, have vivid memories of past lives. Edward remembers working during the time of the Third reich in Germany on clocks or weapons (he cannot define which one), and also of being a Victorian gentleman. Toby, Alexander and Victor however have memories of bad events and circumstances. Toby has memories of raping a girl and commiting suicide, and Alexander believes he has murdered, and was brutally punished. Just to let you know, none of us are Christian, so we do not believe in Hell, or Heaven.
These memories cause nightmares and personality flaws/changes within people in this system. They are constant, and system members believe strongly that they are real. We all believe strongly in karma, and think that the reason that some of us are 'stuck' into this one body is a sin in a past live (muder etc) We beleive that this life is used to 'correct' these mistakes.
We do not think that these past lives are nessercaily those of this body, as Alexander remmebers a different world (or time) from this one.
What do you guys think of past lives, and its associations with multiplicity?